Thursday, 30 July 2015

How am i today?



Struggling through





My mood has lifted, but the anxiety has pushed threw.


I had to go to the chemist to get my prescription.. I left the house and it began.. 



I was walking along the road, my legs didn't even  feel they were part of my body. I felt a bit dizzy, had a dry month, for no explanation.. I had to keep stopping and calming myself down. 




My heart was racing and I was walking up a hill which made it worse.. Bear in mind it's only a five minute walk to my chemist, I came over so funny, it was horrible.. 





Will this stop me leaving the house again?, maybe for a few days.. Why?  I'll see how the anxiety goes while i'm at home because if I'm going to have it,  It will come indoors as well. It has took me 4 hours to completely calm down for that little journey. To gain control over the anxiety.. 




I don't fight anxiety i let it do what it needs to.. Of course I sit and tell myself not to be silly, but i wont fight against it. I believe it has to release for some reason. 





I did explain my holiday was stressful, now i have come home relaxed for bit, i have to release the stress.. 



I do think anxiety is a big build up of stress. I don't really know how to manage stress or release it,  Obviously I have read up on how to release stress, but does'nt work for me?  I don't know why, but having bath or drinking tea doesn't seem to cut it.. 




I have a lot of stress with four children, bipolar, social services, sometimes it all just to much..




I will say that social services did contact two days ago about a visit, she sent me a text.. Very professional isn't it? I simply explained you can't do anything for me, you manager hasn't contacted me, my health visitor has been trying to contact you, So I refused a visit. 





The next think is a family group conference.. Where they can see every little bit of support i have, and may realize I do not need them. That they are only casing me more stress..


Every time they seem to contact i get up in the air, They don't seem to understand that. So maybe that's playing a part at the moment. I don't know why but they seem to trigger me and I go a bit funny in my mind for couple days after they been in contact.. 



I'm they same with psychiatrists.. You are there, They ask couple of questions, questions they know that will long answers.. example!! How have you been feeling the last 6 weeks, what have your moods been like? You explain they just write it down and don'say anything, then comes another question..





I feel like when i leave there, i have just talked to a brick wall. So that gets me up in the air a bit, Its the lack of response you get from them.





So i managed to get my tablets today after them getting the prescription wrong again, may i add, What is it with doctors? 

Things are written in black and white in, front of them, on notes and they still get it wrong. I ended up waiting an hour and half in a chemist. For a phone call from a doctor, a prescription to be faxed.. 



They still didn't have all the tablets only one night worth, so I have to go again tomorrow. 


Things like that stress me out, I just haven't got the patience when I'm not feeling right.. 


So think all that just escalates  in my mind and causes all the feelings I get and the anxiety .




I was only leaving the house for 10 minutes which turned into nearly two hours.. I cant deal with that, It gets me wired.. I still haven't got the answer of why I get that wired when it comes to things like that,.It is just one of them things..






I would say given the last week or so, because i have changed medication. My mixed episode is starting to make an appearance again. 





Here are the signs of a mixed episode   


  • Mania with mixed features usually involves irritability, high energy, racing thoughts and speech, and over activity or agitation.
  • Depression during episodes with  mixed features  involves the same symptoms as in  "regular" depression, with feelings of sadness, loss of interest in activities, low energy, feelings of guilt and worthlessness, and thoughts of Suicide. 



Some people will think how can someone be depressed and high at the same time. But i have been there.. I'm crying my eyes out saying that i never felt so good about myself. Then there has been times i'm really happy, within couple of hours I'm crying and i don't know why. In mixed episodes my anxiety is really high..





My blog has been the over activity, i have been speaking with more pressured speech last couple days, i been tired but just working on this.. I have racing thoughts because i'm thinking about what i'm writing about next..  




I was in the chemist today and i came home and said to my partner "I'm buying a dog", it was another chihuahua.. I took her number but she isn't selling for another two weeks so hopefully my tablets will work before i get to that and buy him.. 


So yes my mind is a bit mixed at the moment.. Am i worried? No. Its not that bad at the moment that i need to worry and i have higher tablets as well.. I think its just starting to slip back through.. 






I do think my dog would love a friend though. :) 





My mum will read this post now, and be for god sake here we go, she will get another dog now.. or she will ring me and try to talk me out of it.. but she will know if I'm mind set i will and just do it and regret it after.. But what I do on manics I live with, i have to birds also that was a manic decision but i wont get rid of them : )





But I think my tablets will work before the lady is selling :) 




Thanks guys :) x






.


   





Post a Comment